Chocolate and cheese

Cheese chocolate and eggs oh my… Yup that’s right. Day 2 of my meat and dairy cleanse and I’m craving all things that make me go yummmm.. It’s been alright so far, realizing I have to just make my choices with every snack, every meal, every beverage. I’ve never been so conscience of what I put into my body before. I mean,before this, my husband and I were conscience organic eaters and ate relatively healthy… Or so I thought until I purged my pantry of all things that I am making off limits to myself (for a limited time only) I keep telling myself.. It helps motivate me to keep going, knowing there is an end in site and I’m not going to have to do this forever. …unless I whole heartedly want to. But that’s something we will just have to wait and see.

So far hemp milk has replaced my organic 1% milk, kiwi and oranges replaced my night time sweet tooth and wheat cereal with hemp milk replaced my runny egg or bagel with cream cheese. The hardest part of my day was late at night, hours after the sun went to sleep. All I wanted was chocolate, the oh so good melt in your mouth-bad for you- ultra processed chocolate.. Ya know the kind with peanut butter in the center? …but I chose kiwi instead and the craving subsided. I feel like I’m going through a little withdrawal, I never realized what a sweet tooth I had to tell myself to stay away from it. So what did I do? I sent my husband to work with a box full of our goodies… Goodbye caramel popcorn and fake orange cheese popcorn. Goodbye delicious chocolates, fudge, marshmallows and anything that would have been in candyland.

About 5 days after.. this happened

I did it. I broke my own rule. I smiled. I indulged. and could not have been happier. Cheese. It did it to me. Beckoned for me, and I came running like a lost little girl. I was relaxing with my husband in our living room, enjoying the low rumble of the fire in the wood stove. I poured myself a glass of Pinot and began to unwind from the long day. Atom was asleep. Everything was so quiet, peaceful. Except for the growing hunger inside me, I craved for… Something. Not a word was said as I got up from my seat, went over to the refrigerator, pulled out a big block of Gouda cheese and took a bite. My knees buckled. I giggled like a little girl. I was happy.

My husband looked over in shock, surprised I was breaking my rule and surprised as I brought a few other cheese alongside a sleeve of multigrain crackers. I just looked at him and shrugged. He is supportive of whatever it is I do, so he just smiled and indulged a bit with me.

I tried, I really did, but something just came over me and I didn’t feel whole. Weird right? But I learned something about myself and in this first epic fail of 2016. I’m an omnivore through and through. I am thankful for extending my recipe repertoire as I began the year with garlic avocado and portobello mushroom burgers, quinoa kale and cannalinni bean stuffed peppers, kale blueberry strawberry and cherry smoothies topped with hemp seeds… But I am also thankful for the decadent ribeye provolone cheesesteaks we indulged in while we celebrated the return of my carnivorism. so. My 2016 resolution has morphed itself into my key word of the year: balance.

Instead of depriving myself of anything, I’ll just indulge… A little less.

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Hello Winter, I’ve been waiting for you

There is something to be said about the feeling you get with the first snowfall.  Poor winter gets the most grief. As understandably so.. I mean, beyond the obvious bitter cold, dangerous traveling conditions, snow which inevitably also means ‘manual labor’ to a large array of seasonal winter dwellers.  It was understood by me that we, as a human society have a right to live basically anywhere we want.  If you want to be somewhere than I believe you just have to make it happen.  I know it’s so much easier said than done, but maybe I’m a naive believer.  Err, scratch that I don’t want to sound like im a belieber. Gross. That’s a whole other post for a later day…

But I always wonder why everyone gripes about the impending winter.  Especially since we all are Coloradians, native or not.  Winter is a huge part of our life and I feel it doesn’t get the respect it should… I’ve always wanted to ask the people that gripe about the upcoming winter, why do you live here? And then I wonder, am I naive? I haven’t spent 20 years of my life dealing with backbreaking snowstorms… But I’ve made a decision to try.

For me, I love the feeling of hibernating inside a warm house, drinking ginger and honey tea made on our wood burning stove, just watching the inches accumulate on the deck.  I love watching my dogs running wildly through the snow, catching snowballs and snowflakes.  I love how the snow outlines each naked branch with light, puffy, white as it could be snow.  I love how every snowflake is unique. I loved the look on my sons face when we looked outside and he tried to figure out this new scene of our familiar lawn.  The curiosity, the wonderment, you could literally see him thinking.

I have truly made an attempt to be wholly present in each season, each month, each day.  I am an anticipatory person and was always looking and waiting for the next season, never being fully immersed into the season… This year, having Atom, I wanted to savor every last memory of each season, so I was able to not look forward too much, I wanted to be in and remember every moment.  Although he has made life busier, being a mama to my son has allowed me to slow down.  I applaud every working mama out there! You have a drive within you that I don’t think I have.  To be able to get up and be a mama and also manage work is crazy talk.. Talk about powerful! As a stay at home mama, I have huge respect for our working mamas out there.  I feel as though I have hard enough time finding enough time for everything that needs to be done. Motherhood alone is a full time job, but mostly I believe it’s about finding your chi and balance. But its hard to find balance in a sleep deprived life…

Atom has been a hungry little caterpillar since the day he was born.  I had to supplement small amounts of formula through a small pump for 3 days after he was born because I was not producing enough for him.  There was a small tube that ran into the side of his cheek beside my breast.  So he never even knew and still latched perfectly.  I didn’t want to do this but little man was always hungry.  He weighed 5 pounds, 13 ounces so he was a tiny little nugget, so we decided it was better for him to get a full feeding than none at all.  I discontinued the S pump a mere 1 week after being home and began exclusively breastfeeding. Such a struggle, but we did it.  Now at 6 months my little catapillar can go 4 hours until he wants to eat again.. Which means, I’m still getting up twice a night for feedings.  It’s been half a year and I still havent slept for more than 4 hours consecutively.

**Time warp to present time and we are finally sleeping through the night, which has drastically changed my outlook on life, I might add.  This was one of the most difficult feats I’ve overcome as a first time mama, being who you need to be for your little one, with very little sleep.  But we did it, he will be 8 months old next week and I’ve been able to enjoy the last month and a half where bed time is truly bed time.  We put him down at 7, it takes 20 minutes for him to become fully asleep, and then Michael and I get to enjoy mama and papa time.  I will say though, now that he sleeps through the night and I get 10, sometimes 12 hours of me time (whether I am sleeping or not)  I miss that little nugget and cannot wait for him to wake in the morning 🙂 …funny how things go.**

I’m sure one day, I’m going to have my day when I am no longer able to enjoy winter… Or will I? But if that time ever comes, I will make sure to try and change my surroundings so I can be peacefully present within each day.  Just know that you are powerful, “be the change you wish to see in the world” but also be the change you wish to see in you.